This week, Hotel Transylvania adds itself to the National Register of Haunted Hotels, or at least it tries to. Though home to vampires, werewolves, and mummies, thrill-seeking guests are destined to be disappointed by Hotel T's decided unscariness, since its blood-sucking, human-phobic owner (Adam Sandler) can't manage to dislodge a single unwanted meatbag customer (Andy Samberg) from the premises. Hotel Transylvania performs a slick reversal of the usual haunted hotel trope—the ghouls and goblins hide from the meatbag, instead of making their presence known in increasingly unsubtle ways—but in doing so, the film misses out on the fundamental creepiness of hotels—the long hallways of empty rooms, all scrubbed antiseptically clean (hopefully) of whatever ungodly activities took place before your arrival. If you're searching for accommodations where a proactive staff will give you that extra jolt of adrenaline you crave, here are five alternative lodgings that'll make you feel happy to be alive:
Overlook Hotel in The Shining
Nestled in sporty Sidewinder, Colorado, the four-star Overlook Hotel is a historic destination resort that offers world-class services to its distinguished guests. Amenities include opulent guest lounges, an art deco ballroom, a hedge maze you can really get lost in, and staff members with telepathic abilities. Stay for a day, indulge for a week, or settle into a wolfish smirk for decades on end. Why, yes, it's built on top of a sacred Indian burial ground, but why should that matter?
Bates Motel in Psycho
Driving through the desert wastelands of southeastern California on the lam after embezzling from your dead-end real estate job? Then hide from the law at the Bates Motel, where we treat no-good whores -- like you! -- like family. Experience Christmas in July with a warm, homecooked meal with the owners and a barrage of passive-aggressive insults hurled at you by a matron who hasn't left the house since the turn of the century. Cozy touches include antique rocking chairs, DIY peep holes, and brand-new shower curtains for every guest.
The Dolphin Hotel in 1408
Unimpressed by the commercialization of Time Square, the crimelessness of the Upper East Side, and the cleaned-up streets of East Village? Then come to Room 1408 at the Dolphin in Manhattan, where you can experience a real slice of Old New York. Channel the explosive, sociopathic energy of mobsters, serial killers, and tenement-owners of generations past in a room so authentically bloodthirsty you're guaranteed to expire in an hour. Best of all, you can die in the true New York experience by having our committed staff ignore your desperate pleas for help with an eyeroll and a lipsmack. Arrogant writers who tempt fate by staying in haunted hotels to debunk them especially welcome.
Unnamed hostel in Hostel
Go back in time to experience the charms of medieval Europe in Bratislava, Slovakia! Cocky, entitled Americans backpacking through Europe in search of hookers and blow are always wanted at the shack at the end of the long road just outside the capital. Ogling inexplicably horny European chicks, snorting whatever powder comes your way, and generally acting like the ugliest Americans ever are all highly encouraged. But be warned: some guests might be subjected to a casual history lesson in Inquisition-era torture devices by the hostel's quirky owner. Bring your own towels (and bandages).
Hill House in The Haunting (1963)
Need a place to be alone and really explore yourself? Say goodbye to meditation, yoga, and all that other boring stuff, and say hello to Xtreme Introspection at Hill House! Located in the most remote part of New England, Hill House offers a Walden-like tranquility where guests can take as much time to gaze at their navels as they wish—no judgments here! New England bed and breakfasts are full of stone-eyed, pilgrim-era ghosts wrongfully murdered by their relatives and neighbors for showing an ankle or making blood pacts with the devil, but only the ghosts at Hill House go the extra mile in exploiting the profound feelings of guilt and psychosexual inadequacy you've been unknowingly repressing after the death of your mother (whom you may have killed) to give you the nervous breakdown that you deserve. And if you need a colonic to go with your catharsis (to cleanse yourself of all the toxins), we offer those too.